Battle of the Hymn Parodies
Image from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=ib6Mv3rym38
In the late 1990s, a hymn parody was written to mock the LCMS. Of course, we can laugh at ourselves and our foibles. But this is not the case with the promotion of false doctrine.
Also in the late 1990s, I was a layman in my young thirties in the Florida-Georgia District - which at the time was in open rebellion against closed communion by means of an adopted 1997 district convention resolution called “A Declaration of Eucharistic Understanding and Practice” (DEUP) - which was aptly acronymned if you sound it out. You can read about it here. Anyway, a big confab to rally the troops to the unbiblical practice was arranged. I naively went to one of their dog and pony shows - and as one would expect, dogs and ponies produce a plethora of excrement.
Obviously, feeling welcome to up the false doctrine ante, a liberal boomer pastor was handing out this mockery of the LCMS. I didn’t know him, nor know what his deal was, but he seemed to be a pretty big wheel. I have no idea who wrote this, but will gladly credit the author if he/she/they/them/ze or zir wants to be identified:
“Anniversary Hymn
(Anniversary of what we don’t know.)
sung to St. Denio (Immortal, Invisible)
Unmoving, unshaking, and stubborn as mules
’cause we’ve set up all sorts of most rigid rules
Don’t come to communion, we’ll turn you away,
we’re not like those liberals in E-L-C-A.
Our women are quiet, the pulpit’s for men.
The rooster rules over the nest and the hen.
Don’t ask any questions; just do as you’re told -
good Lutherans, like jello, are made from a mold.
Like Luther, we’re grounded in God’s faith and fear.
We sing Bach with gusto and brew our own beer.
We don’t want outsiders; our church is the best.
We’re God’s chosen people, the LC-MS.”
Of course, the old cad was openly swaggering around promoting Luciferian doctrine, and the District did diddley, as usual.
So the only way to push back against such things when the institutions are too impotent, or perhaps even in bed with those promoting theological treachery, is to sharpen the pen and come up with a better hymn parody. The following is not my work. I don’t know who wrote this. If somebody does know, again, I will gladly give credit where credit is due. At the time of the Florida-Georgia you-know-what-show, I found it on the innerwebs and printed it.
The next day, I gave a copy of this retort to the traitorous boomer. I watched him open the piece of paper and enjoyed his scowl - which reminded me of LSB 656:3. I don’t know what ever became of this guy, but I suspect he has since gone to his eternal reward. I hope he repented. We need to be clear: we ordain only biblically qualified men not because we are conservative or oppressive, nor because it is just our custom. It is rather because that is the clear doctrine espoused by the Word of God. To deny it should be as unthinkable as denying the Trinity. And any DPs that protect LCMS pastors who make this godless and evil confession are just as guilty - and should be removed.
As my dear wife is wont to say, “Why do we have to live like this?”
There are still rostered pastors and lay church workers openly promoting women’s “ordination.”
This is why we have district presidents in the first place. They are the “overseers” of 1 Tim 3:1-7. That is why they are well-paid and endowed with authority. We should not have to tolerate DPs who are either Sitzpinklers or Trojan Horses. I understand that admission to the Lord’s Table has some gray areas that may cause honest disagreement, as well as the fact that this will be exploited by those who desire to abolish closed communion - and we should be wary. But there is no gray area with regard to women’s “ordination.” Indeed, we should not have to live like this. We should not have to combat false doctrine in our own communion with jokes and memes. But as the old saying goes, any port in a storm.
Here is the parodial retort:
“Insufferable
To be sung to the tune St. Denio
(Immortal, Invisible, God Only Wise)
Insuff’rable, smug we’re so full of ourselves
If only all others were like us as well.
Who needs the Lord Jesus as we know the way,
We are so adaptable E-L-C-A.
Since Scripture is myth we choose what we will hear,
Who knows what we will believe in only a year.
The Reformed and the Romans are welcome to dine
At our open altars. It makes us feel fine.
Our Lord he was bound by the Norms of the day,
If he were around now, he’d do it our way.
He left much unfinished and much to improve
That’s where we come in; we’re the church on the move.
We now ordain women, and we will not stop
Till gays, dogs and donkeys will all have their shot
At being called pastors, to lisp, bark or bray
The PC pronouncments of E-L-C-A.”
Note: About a decade after this exchange of hymn parodies, the ELCA began to recognize, and then ordain unrepentant homosexuals, a practice which has since metastasized into pastoral drag queens for children.