A Laboratory of Worst Practices

“Excuse me. I think I’m in the wrong room.”

District conventions and pastors’ conferences are yet another manifestation of “A Tale of Two Synods.” Indeed, we live in the best of times, and the worst of times. Even as districts are flipping from progressive to traditional, from promoting anything goes emotional entertainment worship to a more authentically liturgically Lutheran ethos grounded in the Bible and Confessions - we still see the Worst Practices on display among certain progressive districts (the Usual Suspects).

Pictures from the Michigan District’s trainwreck worship at their latest so-called All Pastors Conference is a case in point.

Not only the usual nonsense of worship centered on pop music performed on a stage with the audience raising their hands in the air like they see Charismatics do on late-night TV religious programming and their local non-denominational concert halls, but also the use of your choice of wine or grape juice for the taking off of a table. The picture calls to mind our local farmers market handing out samples of fudge rather than delivering the most precious substance on the planet to the dying: the Medicine of Immortality, the true blood of Christ.

“Red, white, or rosé?”

District events are often the Laboratory of Worst Practices.

Of course, not all districts are dumpster fires, but of all the places where one is likely to find such refuse-conflagrations in the LCMS, such events are a good bet.

The complaints about this are ubiquitous. And it is exceedingly tiresome. Faithful Lutherans are scandalized and disgusted, even as their hierarchs take the Marie Antionette tack and shrug and tell the faithful to eat cake - if not something else. And although what goes on in Michigan could theoretically stay in Michigan, the reality is that this nonsense reflects badly on all of us - in addition to driving faithful Lutherans away to other communions that at least follow their own confessions and don’t treat the Lord’s Supper like a Dixie cup of Skittles or Jolly Ranchers in a snack bowl. So yes, this is our circus, and these are our monkeys.

We really are two synods: one that is Lutheran, and one that is non-denominational.

So what to do about this? If you want it to change, you have to think like a chess player. In church, state, and society, the progressives win because they think strategically. Our side, be they called conservatives, confessionals, or traditionalists, don’t. That’s why we lose. We insist on fighting by the Marquis of Queensbury rules while our opponents are MMA fighters grounding and pounding - all the while we look around in vain for a referee to whine to.

The tactics that we choose should be determined by both conscience and strategy.

As our Lord bids us, let’s be wise as serpents and innocent as doves. If your conscience won’t permit you to participate in a “sacrament” featuring elements alien to our Lord’s institution, then don’t. If you are scandalized by non-Lutheran worship practices, then opt out. And if you are so outnumbered that your voice and vote are droned out in a sea of the opposition, opt out of the convention and/or the conference. Use your time and resources elsewhere. Certainly, don’t feed the dragon by sending in the money for conferences at odds with your faith and practice.

But don’t districts bill congregations for conferences? Yes. But you don’t have to pay it if it violates your conscience. My congregation has always paid its assessment for remaining in synod and district - in other words, the convention tax. It’s like club dues. But there have been many years when we did not, for example, pay for the “pastors’ conference” - which was, in fact, a multiple day cruise on the Gulf of Mexico featuring theology and worship so bad that one of the participating pastors told me that he would go to the casino and smoke a cigarette while waving to colleagues headed to “worship” and other District events.

I did not attend, and so my congregation didn’t pay. Other pastors with large families could not leave their wives alone to care for little ones while they go off to sea to live the high life. And yet, their congregations were still expected to cough up the Benjamins and subsidize the pastors and congregations with money to burn, and no such responsibilities. It was simply scandalous. My congregation and I refused to pay, and we explained why. The ‘crats made a half-hearted attempt to turn the thumbscrews, but they eventually tired of sparring with me about it - and they just gave up.

I’m glad to say, our district has since changed for the better.

If you are politically closer to flipping the district, or if your district is actually good - then it may well be worth attending and voting. But remember, if you play, play to win. Be smart. The Progressives always seem to outwit us at these things. They know how to play chess, while we seem to be playing Candyland half the time. If you want to win politically, then organize and fight the way our opponents do. Learn from your opponents’ victories the way Patton studied Rommel.

And if it is the case that it is worth your while to attend these functions - be sure to go on the attack against tacky, un-Lutheran worship. Find out who is in charge, and express your opinion. And do it collectively. Phone, e-mail, PM, and send letters. Organize. Make the culprits pay in time and interaction. This is especially a good strategy in a bureaucratic polity such as we have in the LCMS.

A good training manual - especially in districts in which the District President is heavy-handed and runs things like an old Soviet apparatchik - is the remarkable book by the now deceased Soviet dissident Vladimir Bukovsky entitled To Build a Castle. I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Bukovsky’s life in the USSR is the story of courage in the face of what could only be seen as impossible odds, and also hope and joy in the triumph of the human spirit to beat back against authoritarianism.

While imprisoned in Gulag camps - some of which operated under the guise of “mental health hospitals” - Bukovsky found the Achilles Heel of the bureaucracy. He organized letter writing campaigns in the prison - which ground the bureaucracy to a halt and forced positive changes - and eventually, the dismemberment of the entire Gulag system. It is compelling reading in addition to providing a way of approaching the bureaucracy so as to effect change.

As the boomer generation rides off into the sunset, and as the Old Guard overseeing the District Archipelago in our synod make their way to the proverbial glue factory, younger pastors are moving into positions of authority, and finally turning the LCMS Titanic around.

But clearly, there is still much more work to do. The progressive wing of the LCMS is still strong, especially in the “Usual Suspect” districts.

Expose and oppose these Worst Practices. Point out the emperor’s nakedness and don’t cave when they resort to gaslighting. And if you start to waver when the bureaucrats oppose you, take a look at these pictures of pop music and grape juice and ask yourself if this is what our confessions teach, and what you believe your children and grandchildren should find in their churches.

Because if you don’t stop the progressives now, things will only get progressively worse.

Yes, this is supposed to be a “Divine Service.”