Giving Pastoral Counsel
I have to admit that, when I came out of seminary, I was woefully unprepared to give pastoral counsel. I don’t blame the seminary in this because I’m not sure what course of study they could have offered that would have prepared me for it. And while I’m not sure that any particular class at the seminary could have prepared me for it, I have come to think that there are specific things one can do that the “man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work” (2 Tim 3:17).
The Nature and Task of Pastoral Counsel
Here’s how I’ve come to think of giving pastoral counsel, that is, what its nature and task is. It is nothing other than teaching (preaching) the young and old alike (as we vow to do at ordination). And the end of this task, its goal, is always repentance: contrition, faith, and the fruits worthy of repentance (Ap XIIa, 28). It is helping those who come to you, or those to whom you go searching out, to come to know what God says in His Word about this or that. In other words, it is always being ready, in season and out of season, to apply rightly the Word of Truth (2 Tim 4:2).
This implies (indeed it requires!) a constant and regular reading and study of the Scriptures. But as you read have this view in mind: What would God have me learn as I live out my life in the stations in which He has placed me? Or: What does God require of me; what is my duty according to my stations in life—home, church, society?
Our station, our vocation is where we are affected by our own sin and the sins of others; and that is the place(s) where others are affected by their own sin and ours. So if when you are reading the Scriptures, you have in the back of your own mind what God is calling you to be and to do with regard to your stations—home, church, society—then you will be aware of the same when in pastoral counsel with the people of God. You are making yourself ready to preach the Word in season and out of season. Here the Table of Duties is a perfect starting place. These are the basic texts. But the Bible is filled with lots more. So study the Scriptures.
Brass Tacks
Given that you are instructing the faithful in repentance—contrition, faith, fruits worthy of repentance—your job is to listen and ask a lot of questions, sometimes even repeating back to them what you heard them say. You are gathering the facts. You want to be clear what they’re seeking counsel from God’s Word about.
But usually lurking behind all the facts is something they want you to do. And the question that you’re looking to answer is this: Maybe something must be done, but does the Bible direct me to address it, or is it the responsibility of the one coming to me to address it? And then, what and how does it need to be addressed? What is my duty in this matter? What is the parishioner’s duty in this matter?
It sounds simple, but it gets complicated. And it’s complicated not because it actually is complicated, but because people don’t like to deal with duties, and they don’t particularly like generalizations. Almost everyone thinks their situation is unique. Almost everyone mistakes your generalization and talk of an overarching duty as some kind of deductive argument, and so they respond with some kind of NAXALT response. Almost everyone will think that their situation is different. And so you need to keep your cool, find a way to point out that you’re not making a deductive argument, but an inductive argument, and that on the whole and for the most part, all X are like that. That their situation is like the others, and show how their situation fits with whatever the Bible is saying should be done. Perhaps that is private confession & absolution. Perhaps that is going to a brother who has sinned against them (maybe you going with them). Perhaps that is assigning particular disciplines to be done in order to overcome either a besetting sin or to increase in their knowledge of divine things.
As you lead people to see what their duty according to God’s Word in their vocations are, remember what St. Paul wrote to St. Timothy:
Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father, younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters, in all purity. (1 Tim 5:1—2)
This is sage advice. Treat them as you would your father or mother, brother or sister. If you’re an only child, ask a brother pastor who has siblings how they approach difficult situations with their siblings. How do they talk to them? You could even view those younger than you as your own children, but there is a good warning not to talk down to them and be condescending.
A Note About Counseling Women
As noted above, your pastoral counsel from the Word of God is to teach them their duty according to their vocation and lead them to repentance. Men are particularly receptive to counsel on general, over-arching duties. Perhaps that is just how they are wired. But women are often less inclined to receive this kind of counsel. There is a reluctance to accept the generalization. It’s not that they’re incapable. It’s that they are more inclined to think that their situation is unique, wanting to focus on the details. This is true on the whole and for the most part. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, either. They focus on the details because they care. It is part of what makes women so good at personal relationships—caring for family, friends, and neighbors. My counsel here is simply not to get bogged down in how their situation is unique but focus on how it is similar. You simply need repeatedly to point to God’s Word on what duty is required in their situation. They will think you are not listening to them. They might even think that because you’re a man, you don’t understand, and maybe you don’t. But after you’ve listened and sought God’s counsel in His Word, you don’t have to understand all the details. You need simply apply the duties God sets forth in His Word to that situation. So you might have to work extra diligently, carefully, and patiently so that the women you counsel see how it applies.
I suppose I should also say something about avoiding even the appearance of sin by avoiding compromising situations with women. So, avoid compromising situations with women. You do not have a duty to enter into every and all situations for pastoral care. You have a duty to practice godliness (1 Tim 4:6—16). You have a duty to protect your family, your livelihood, your reputation and that of the office of the ministry, and one of the ways you do that is to avoid compromising situations with women. If you are wondering if it is a compromising situation, then it probably is. So don’t do it. If you’re overly scrupulous in this regard: Good! But if you really do have a question, phone a friend. But, really it’s not that difficult.
A Final Note
The point here in all of this is that you are not there to lay down rules. You are there to remind them of who God called them to be and what God called them to do. Most of the time you are giving general, over-arching counsel. How they hammer out those details is left to Christian freedom. Let them do it. They know best how to carry out this in their own vocations. You’re giving them the business plan, so to speak, they’re putting it into practice. In other words, they don’t have to handle it exactly how you would if you were in their shoes, so long as it jibes with God’s calling.
How have you handled giving pastoral counsel? What have you learned through the school of experience?