There are a few LCMS congregations that remind me of the above video.

Some of them are served by men who studied at my alma mater, Concordia Theological Seminary, Fort Wayne - men who sat in the same classrooms with the same professors that I did; men who worshiped day by day and week by week in Kramer chapel, delving into the treasures of a richly-ordered liturgical life. Well, not all of them. I had some classmates who deliberately stayed in the student commons playing foosball during chapel. In retrospect, maybe the seminary should have helped such men discern that the ministry was not for them. Others flew under the radar, changing their colors like a chameleon, playing the “cooperate and graduate” game.

And then they became “contemporvent.”

These congregations are everywhere in every city - mainly nondenomiational, but some in every denomination - though trying very hard to remove any hint of denomination or confession.

Their presentation is so fresh that it is stale, so different that it is dull and routine - a “different way to do church” that looks like every other “church” out there from hipster Vatican II Roman Catholic, to edgy-tattood ELCA, to innovative-and-still-ancient Episcopalian, to Social Justice Methodist, to the new kind of Baptist that want to show you that they’re more Ozzy Ozbourne than Jerry Falwell.

Lutherans jump on every bandwagon fad, and manage to turn a parody into a parody of a parody, desperate to use marketing and manipulation instead of the Word.

And it does “work.” One of these LCMS guys reported having dozens of kiddie-pool immersion baptisms on one Sunday. And one of those persons who was baptized reported that he’s been attending and taking communion for weeks, and was never catechized. And where are the district presidents charged with oversight? Well, the adiaphora card + lots of money coming into district equals… well, I’ll leave that to the mathematicians.

In the spirit of the Babylon Bee, here is an only slightly exaggerated example of what a contemporvent LCMS congregation’s “about our pastor” webpage might say:

Hi Everybody! My name is Pastor Dakota and I’m the Lead Pastor and LifeCoach of the Re-Imagined+ NewLife Church and LifeCenter. I have an amazing and passionate wife, Virginia, that I really love, and who is passionate about life. We have three amazing kids: Delaware, Georgia, and Carolina. They’re amazing too, and passionate. We’re all passionate.

I went to Concordia University where I majored in Women’s and Gender Studies and minored in Sociology. I’m passionate about social justice, and I don’t like racism, cancer, and that feeling you get when you eat too much brie at a dinner party. For Seminary, I graduated from Concordia.

I love preaching, playing guitar, helping the poor, denouncing racism, and wearing cancer awareness ribbons. I love craft beer (though a selfie with a PBR is always a good thing), fine coffees, skinny jeans, flannel shirts, body modification (but not too much!), and photo ops with minorities. I love my amazing wife and amazing kids, the local college football team, and being passionate. Oh yeah, I love Jesus too. Jesus is amazing. And passionate.

At Re-Imagined+ NewLife Church and LifeCenter, we won’t judge you. Come as you are. Don’t dress up. Bring your boyfriend, and your girlfriend too. We won’t judge you. We even have a few brown people in the congregation that we strategically place in our publicity shots. We’re passionate.

We “do church” differently. There is no stuffy organ and no robes. Except for on Pajama Sunday when I rock my terry cloth bathrobe and fuzzy local-pro-football-team slippers! We’re passionate. Emotional support animals are always welcome, and we even have a little room in the back where you can stick grandma for the service. We’re passionate.

We do communion once every three months. All are welcome. You have a choice between regular wafers, whole-wheat naan, chipotle-infused sourdough, gluten-free, and even Wonder Bread for the kids. Our wine palette includes a seasonal selection of California reds, whites, and a delightful chardonnay that my wife and I are passionate about. Of course, grape juice and vitamin-infused water are available for those with special needs, and everyone has his or her own sanitary germ-free sealed paper cup. We’re passionate about the environment.

So hit me up on Snapchat. You can’t like us on Facebook, because that’s so 2018. We’re contemporvent. And yes, we’re passionate!